Finding Love
by animefreak103
Summary: When Hisoka wakes screaming from a nightmare, Tsuzuki comforts him and soothes him back to sleep. After staying the night, Hisoka reaches out to him to find the love he has alwas been denied. TsuHis YAOI, hints of Tatari. WARNINGS: LEMON, mention of RAPE
1. Chapter 1 Sleeping in Safety

**A/N:** I hate what I do to Hisoka in this chapter, my only saving grace is that it was written into the anime .

**Disclaimer: **It's probably a good thing I don't own the anime, because I would actually make it yaoi – Tsuzuki and Hisoka is just too cute!

**Chapter 1: Sleeping in Safety**

"NOOOO!!!!"

The scream took Tsuzuki from unconscious to wide awake in a nanosecond. "Wazzhappening?" Okay, so maybe not wide awake, but definitely conscious. The scream sounded again and Tsuzuki bolted out of bed. It sounded like Hisoka – but where was it coming from? Then he heard the faintest of whimpers, "Tsuzuki, please, help…."

"Oh gods…," Tsuzuki breathed. Hisoka was in trouble – he was hearing him screaming in his mind. He yanked on some pants and a shirt and quickly teleported into Hisoka's house. Taking the stairs two at a time, he burst into Hisoka's bedroom, and the only thing he felt when he saw Hisoka safely in bed was intense relief. Hisoka was alright, he had only been imagining it… Wait. Hisoka's face contorted like he was in pain, and a whimper escaped his lips as he thrashed in the bed._ 'He's having a nightmare,'_ Tsuzuki realized. His heart ached about the fact that even in sleep, his partner had no respite from his pain. He moved forwards, gently brushing his hand against his partner's smaller one, and was suddenly pulled into the dream.

_A horrified child watched blood run down the women's body, staining the white coat of the angelic demon that held her in his grasp. The demon turned, staring directly into bright green eyes, and his lips curved upwards in a malicious smile. When the boy ran, he gave chase and soon overpowered him, dragging him to the ground. The boy screamed as he hit the ground hard, a heavy body on top of his. _

'_Hisoka, it's okay, it's only a dream, wake up.'_

_The demon ripped the boy's clothes off, exposing the creamy skin to the night air. The knife flashed as the first of many cuts were made on the child's torso._

'_Hisoka! Wake up!'_

_The knife was tossed aside, the blonde's legs were yanked open, and the demon's hips snapped forward. The little blonde let out an agonized scream._

"Hisoka! Wake up!"

Back in the bedroom, Hisoka suddenly sat up, shaking and sobbing, while bits of reality slowly sunk in. The sticky warmth of tears that seemed to have two sources, arms tightening around him, fear from somewhere else being ruthlessly suppressed, waves of comfort and safety flowing over him…. Somehow he knew that it was Tsuzuki who was holding him, and allowed himself to give in to a few moments of comfort, clutching Tsuzuki's shirt and sobbing into his chest.

"It's okay, angel, it's okay, it's only a dream. He can't hurt you here. You're safe." While Tsuzuki talked to him, he gently stroked Hisoka's blond hair, which was damp with sweat, and rubbed soothing circles on his back, trying to calm his heaving partner.

Eventually, Hisoka's sobs evened out and he pushed himself off Tsuzuki, suddenly ashamed of the childish way he had clung to the older man. People would never stop looking at him like a child if he didn't stop acting like it.

"I'm sorry Tsuzuki, I didn't mean to do that." He tried to make his voice cold, so that he would leave him. Again, however, Tsuzuki proved too understanding of his feelings.

"Hisoka, do you think that I think less of you, that I think you are a child for crying in my arms?" Hisoka looked away from him, and that was all the answer he needed. He reached out and gently lifted Hisoka's chin, turning him to face him. The green eyes were still covered with a light, clear blue film. "Listen to me, Hisoka." Tsuzuki kept his voice quiet but firm. "You are one of the strongest people I know. Anyone who'd been through what you were would have nightmares. It's not a sign of weakness. If you can share your pain with someone, want comfort from someone, it's a sign of your strength. I will never think you're weak or a child if you turn to me for comfort."

Hisoka looked at him. _'Really?'_ he thought. _'Can I really turn to Tsuzuki when I have a nightmare, and he'll hold me and tell me he cares about me?'_

Touching like they were, Hisoka forgot to shield his thoughts from Tsuzuki, who 'heard' everything.

"Yes, Hisoka. I will always be here to hold you." Hisoka blushed at the fact that Tsuzuki had heard him, and blushed even deeper when Tsuzuki pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I love you."

Tears welled up in Hisoka's eyes again. "No one has ever said that to me before."

"It's true, Hisoka." Tsuzuki gave him a gentle smile. "Now, let's get you back to bed. Stay here for a moment." Tsuzuki got up and went to the bathroom, where Hisoka heard the water running. Tsuzuki reappeared in moments, holding a wet washcloth and a glass of water. He set the water down and slowly began to wipe Hisoka's face with the cloth. He was about to call him an idiot and say that he was not a child, but the loving, concentrated look in Tsuzuki's eyes forced him to keep his hands at his sides as he gently wiped away the sweat and tear tracks staining Hisoka's face. He then handed him the glass of water while he returned the washcloth to the bathroom. Coming back, he asked, "Do you want to change? These are kind of wet," he said, fingering his shirt. "O-okay," he said. He turned around quickly, and slowly lifted his shirt off, trying to hide his small, scarred body from Tsuzuki's gaze. Once again, Tsuzuki understood his feelings.

"Are you ashamed of your body Hisoka?" Hisoka bowed his head. Did Tsuzuki have to know everything? He suddenly let out a startled squawk when arms wrapped around his bare stomach, warm lips gently pressing against his shoulder. "Do you even know how beautiful you are, angel? These scars," Hisoka shivered as one long finger slowly traced one of the scars on his stomach, "don't matter to me Hisoka. They are simply a sign of the hardships that you've had to live through." Hisoka gave into the feelings of comfort and love radiating from Tsuzuki and leaned back into the warm shelter of the larger body behind him, Tsuzuki's soft lips placing butterfly kisses along his shoulder to his neck. He cradled him close, turning him in his arms. Hisoka looked up into his eyes, and knew that Tsuzuki wanted to kiss him, but didn't want to scare him off. He tilted his head, closing his eyes, and that was all the permission Tsuzuki needed. The kiss was everything Hisoka had never experienced in his life, before Tsuzuki. Warmth, comfort, affection, tenderness, and gentle love were all rolling over him, and he was floating on these feelings, never wanting them to end. Unfortunately, Tsuzuki broke the kiss and smiled down at him. "We really should get some sleep, love."

"O-okay." Hisoka was still trying to come down from the emotional high and didn't protest when Tsuzuki lay down next to him, pulling the covers over both of them. However, when his arms wrapped around him, Hisoka managed to surface. "Wha-What are you doing?"

"Is this okay, Hisoka? I won't hurt you, I swear. I promised I'd protect and wouldn't let you have nightmares anymore." Tsuzuki looked at him, his violet eyes beseeching. Hisoka allowed himself to relax back into his partner's arms, his body a little tense, as he had always tried to maintain physical distance from people. Tsuzuki gently stroked his back and his hair, so the tension in him was slowly eased.

"I love you, angel. Sleep, and I'll keep you safe." Hisoka clung to that love and promise, and moved his hand so that his fingers entwined with Tsuzuki's as he was lulled into sleep.

**A/N:** Please review! Warning: Lemon in next chapter, so if you can't handle, don't read.


	2. Chapter 2 Someone to Love Me

**A/N:** I'll warn you when the lemon is coming up, and I still don't own the anime.

**Chapter 2: Someone to Love Me**

When Hisoka awoke the next morning, the first thing that registered was that he was not tired at all. The usual drowsiness that accompanied a night of sleep constantly broken by nightmares was not there. The second thing that registered was the gentle wave of love and comfort that was surrounding him, as well as the warmth of a body next to his. He looked up, and saw his dark-haired partner sleeping soundly, and a small smile curved on his face, as one arm was still around Hisoka and the other was holding his hand. He marvelled at the fact that his partner could still emit such tender emotions towards him even when deeply asleep. He slowed wormed his way out of Tsuzuki's embrace and watched him clutch tightly to a pillow. _'Replaced by a fluffy pillow,' _Hisoka thought wryly. _'Baka,'_ but the word this time, even in his own thoughts, was laced with affection.

Walking downstairs, he made a simple breakfast of tea, rice and miso. He carried them upstairs, placed them on the dresser and turned to wake Tsuzuki up. The moment he touched him, the pillow shot out of his arms, and Hisoka was yanked down next to Tsuzuki, who cuddled him tightly. "B-Baka! Wake up!" Hisoka smacked him over the head, which seemed to do the trick. "Mou, Soka, don't be so mean so early in the morning," he pouted.

"Hmph. I was trying to wake you up to tell you that I made you breakfast."

"Food?" The purple eyes lit up. Hisoka picked the food up and brought it to the bed.

"Aww! You made me breakfast in bed! What can this mean, Hisoka?" His tone was light, eyebrows wiggling, so of course Hisoka responded, "Urusai!" and blushed hugely. Tsuzuki grinned at him, then suddenly sobered.

"How are you feeling this morning, love?" Hisoka wanted to say that he was worrying needlessly and to stop being an overprotective baka, and he was of course fine, but when Tsuzuki looked at him with such love and concern in his eyes, he couldn't do it.

"I slept better than I have in a long time. Arigatou." Suddenly feeling the need to express how much it meant to him, he took the food plates and put them back on the dresser. Resuming his spot on the bed, he leaned up and quickly captured Tsuzuki's lips in a kiss, before pulling away out of sheer embarrassment.

Tsuzuki let out a small laugh at his love's discomfort. "Come here angel," he said warmly, tugging his hand. Hisoka complied and Tsuzuki placed his hands on his hips gently and slowly lifted him so that he was straddling the older man. This placed him almost at eye level with his partner. Tsuzuki leaned back so that he could rest against the headboard, his fingers gently kneading Hisoka's sides. Just looking into each other's eyes, Tsuzuki's hands worked their way slowly up Hisoka's body. By the time he reached his shoulders, the blonde on his lap was flushed and panting lightly, his head falling forward onto Tsuzuki's shoulder. Tsuzuki gave a low chuckle, before lifting his head and seizing his lips in a gentle kiss. When the need for air became too great, they both pulled away, now both panting slightly.

"Tsuzuki?"

"Hmm?"

"Why were you here last night?" Hisoka looked a little shy as he asked this question.

"You needed me. I could hear you screaming inside my head, and then you called me for help. It scared me – I thought Muraki had you." Hisoka felt the memory as Tsuzuki relived it, and felt the massive fear behind it when he thought Hisoka was in Muraki's clutches.

"Tsuzuki…" he whispered, then captured his lips again, chasing the fear away. "Ai-Aishiteru, Tsuzuki."

Tsuzuki looked up at him, purple eyes bright with hope. "Honto?" Hisoka smiled in return. "Really." Tsuzuki laughed joyously and kissed Hisoka fiercely, pouring all his love and desire for the boy into it. Hisoka felt a slight twinge of fear at the desire pouring through Tsuzuki's veins but it was quickly repressed by his belief that Tsuzuki would never do that to him unless he wanted him to. Tsuzuki had felt that brief flash of fear, and knew that he had to ease off. "Sorry Hisoka, I didn't mean to scare you." Hisoka frowned. How had he known? Oh yeah – the increased physical contact allowed Tsuzuki to feel some of his emotions.

**A/N:** Warning! Beginning the lemon!

"It's okay," he replied. "You just startled me. It's different from him – behind his lust there was an impenetrable darkness, filled with evil. Behind your desire, there is love, and the desire to show and share that love in every way." Hisoka smiled and rested his forehead against his partner's. "Plus, I know that you would never hurt me." With that he leaned and kissed Tsuzuki, gasping when Tsuzuki's tongue traced his lips, then begged for entrance, which he promptly granted.

"Can I touch you?" Tsuzuki whispered softly. "Please," he replied, voice equally as soft, moaning when his partner's long fingers touched the skin at his hips. His hands travelled higher, lifting his shirt as he stroked the soft skin. Hisoka didn't know what to do – the feeling of Tsuzuki's fingers on his skin sent his mind into a whirl. He suddenly let out a whine, clutching his partner's broad shoulders when his fingers reached his nipples.

"Do you want to lie down?" he asked. Hisoka managed to nod, his eyes shut as sensation overwhelmed his mind. Tsuzuki gently lowered him to the bed, carefully arranging his larger body over his lover so that he wouldn't hurt him. He then continued to explore the exposed parts of his chest with his fingers tracing gentle patterns, kneading his ribs, or brushing over hardening nipples. He tugged at the shirt that was still on him. "Is it alright if I take this off?" In reply, Hisoka sat up a little bit and raised his arms over his head, smiling at the larger man. Tsuzuki lifted it off very slowly, kissing the exposed skin, before capturing his lips in a sensuous kiss.

"I want to feel your skin against mine," said Hisoka breathlessly, blushing slightly at his daring. Tsuzuki let out a low chuckle and sat back, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, exposing his tanned skin inch by inch. Hisoka propped himself up to watch, and when all the buttons were undone, he reached out, fingertips brushing the velvetly flesh. His confidence grew when Tsuzuki gave a low groan. He tentatively flicked his tongue over his partner's nipple. "Hisoka, angel, that feels so good…." Delighted that he was able to pleasure his partner the way he pleasured him, he pushed Tsuzuki's shirt the rest of the way off, before pushing him down and the bed and learning the contours of his body with his hands and tongue.

After a while, Tsuzuki said, "Wait, 'Soka, stop."

He looked up in confusion. "You don't like it?" Tsuzuki had to laugh at that. "Oh, angel, I loved it. The proof is right there," he said, gesturing downwards. Hisoka looked down and turned scarlet, seeing the obvious bulge in his pants. "Just, how far do you want to go?" Tsuzuki stroked Hisoka's bare arms, trying to tell him without words that he was fine just like this. In response, Hisoka rolled them so that Tsuzuki was now on top. "Can – can you make love to me, Tsuzuki?"

"Are you sure, love?" Tsuzuki asked, his voice full of wonder. "Yes – but if I get scared, will you stop?" Hisoka hated how much like a child he sounded, but he needed to know. "Of course. You don't even have to ask. Come here," he said, extending one hand and getting off the bed. Hisoka followed, confused, and then gasped as he was pulled flush against a broad chest, lips coming down to hungrily claim his. His larger hands stole down the blonde's sides, moving to the front and slowly undoing his jeans, pushing them down over slim hips. He knelt in front of him, pressing soft butterfly kisses to his thighs, knees, calves, as each body part was exposed. Hisoka slowly stepped out of his jeans, and the second he did, Tsuzuki swept him up in his arms, laying him on the bed, before stepping back and stripping out of his slacks. Hisoka turned slightly on his bed, watching his partner, and at the same time, trying to prevent Tsuzuki from seeing how they measured up to each other. Unfortunately, Tsuzuki knew what he was doing. Frowning slightly, he turned him gently, so that he was once again laying face-up on the bed.

"Didn't I tell you Hisoka? Never be ashamed of your body. You may have the body of a teenager, and you bear scars from your past, but you will always be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and your body is perfect in every way." Hisoka felt his eyes tear up a little bit. He knew that Tsuzuki wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear – he could feel his sincerity. Choking back a sob, he reached up and pulled him down, crushing their lips together, letting out a keening cry that was swallowed by Tsuzuki when he rocked their pelvises together. Tsuzuki's hand stole downwards, gently brushing over Hisoka's desire. He thought he might release right then from the heady pleasure of his partner touching him in such an intimate place. Tsuzuki reached out and grasped the small bottle of lotion on Hisoka's bedside table. "Can you spread your legs a bit, love?"

Hisoka complied, and Tsuzuki settled between them, slipping his lotion-coated hand beneath his body. One finger gently massaged his entrance before slipping in, and that's when Hisoka felt a twinge of fear over what was to come.

"Shh, Hisoka, it's alright. I'll take care of you, I promise." Tsuzuki's free hand stroked his cheek and hair. The love shining in the purple eyes, as well as the waves of love that were emanating from him did much to calm Hisoka's fear. "Don't focus on what I'm doing. Just look at me." Bright green filled with uncertainty met soft purple glowing with love. He immediately felt calmer and the two fingers Tsuzuki was now using were starting to feel less uncomfortable. He gently pushed in a third finger, and felt Hisoka's hands tighten on his shoulders. "Are you in pain, angel?"

"It's a little uncomfortable," said Hisoka, with a small smile. "But I trust you." Tsuzuki leaned down to kiss him, while his fingers continued to scissor and stretch his partner. They curled, and touched some spot deep inside Hisoka, causing him to break the kiss as he arched up, gasping, crying Tsuzuki's name in pleasure. Tsuzuki continually touched that spot, until Hisoka was writhing beneath him. When he finally removed his hand, Hisoka let out a cry of frustration, quickly stifled by a flash of fear. But, with Tsuzuki, this wouldn't hurt, would it? The fingers that had moved inside him felt wonderful….

"Don't worry, love," whispered Tsuzuki, brushing his lips over his forehead. "There might be a little pain at first, but I promise I'll be careful. I want to make you feel so good, angel…."

Hisoka forcibly swallowed his fear. "I'm ready," he said softly, opening his legs a little wider for Tsuzuki, and then wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. "Just, do it all at once, okay?" he whispered.

"Okay," Tsuzuki whispered back. He positioned himself at Hisoka's entrance, putting his own arms around the boy, as if they held tight enough, he could take the pain from Hisoka. Closing his eyes, he thrust forward, hating the pained gasp he heard from his little lover.

"I'm sorry, angel. I'm so sorry…" Tsuzuki whispered words of love and comfort into his partner's ear, tenderly stroking his body. Hisoka's grip on him slowly loosened, and he looked up at his dark-haired partner in amazement. "I don't feel afraid! I feel – full, as if I was empty without you before –" he ran out of words to express how he felt, and instead kissed Tsuzuki, gently moving his hips against his. Tsuzuki could feel the joy in Hisoka, at being connected like this, and slowly began to move, matching Hisoka's gentle rocking. Eventually, their need became too great and they began to move faster. To both, it felt more than just physical gratification; it seemed as if their souls were mating. Neither existed but the other, and when they released, they experienced the most intense collision of emotions than they ever had before.

Tsuzuki rolled on his side, pulling his blonde lover with him, tucking him close to his body. Neither ever wanted to let go.

**A/N:** Please review!


	3. Chapter 3 And Now for Some Fun

**A/N: **I said there was humour coming now, didn't I? 

**Chapter 3: And Now for Some Fun**

Later…

Hisoka slowly cracked open one eye. He and Tsuzuki had collapsed in a deep sleep, after – he blushed mentally – after. He lifted his head, and smiling slightly, leaned up, about to graze his lips over his partner's –

"Ahem."

maybe not. He turned his head slowly, swallowing loudly when he caught sight of Tatsumi and Watari standing at the edge of the bed. Tatsumi had his arms crossed, looking down at them over his glasses, classic 'Look-of-Death' firmly on his face. Watari on the other hand was beaming and trying not to laugh, clearly happy for the two of them, as well as enjoying the position they were caught in immensely.

"You have some explaining Kurosaki-kun. I was not surprised when Tsuzuki didn't show up for the meeting, but for you to miss it without informing your superior is most unlike you. Which is why we are here."

"Thank you for your concern, Tatsumi-san," Hisoka managed, mortified to the depths of his soul. And in that moment, Tsuzuki chose to wake up.

"Ne, 'Soka, you up already?" mumbled to Tsuzuki, who pushed himself up on his elbows, so the sheet fell down to pool indecently at his hips, just managing to keep him covered. "Are you alright 'Soka, you look a bit flushed." Frowning slightly, he pressed his hand to Hisoka's forehead, feeling for a fever.

"Tsuzuki."

"Tatsumi?" Tsuzuki turned his head disbelievingly to the end of the bed. By this time, Watari was practically stuffing his fist in his mouth in keep his laughter in. "Ahh, Tatsumi! Did I forget about the meeting again?" Tsuzuki laughed nervously, running a hand through his tousled mahogany locks. "Sorry, I got, uh, caught up with something," he said with a wink, pulling Hisoka closer.

"Tsuzuki no baka!" Hisoka yelled, whacking his partner upside the head, blushing profusely.

"Itai!"

"Well, I can see that we're not needed here, Watari," said Tatsumi, who was rigorously polishing off his glasses. "Kurosaki, Tsuzuki, you may take the rest of the day off, but if I have to come find you tomorrow morning…" Tatsumi let the threat hang as the shadows rose up on the sides of the bed. Tsuzuki gulped, eyes wide, while Hisoka just stared at him. Watari couldn't contain himself any longer and fell to the floor laughing.

"Watari!" Said man yelped when the shadows moved on him. The shadow master dragged the blonde scientist up and moved towards the door.

"By the way, congratulations," he said, turning back with a small smile as the shadows dissipated. "Yeah, congratulations Bon and Tsu-!" The rest of Watari's words were cut off as he was yanked out of the apartment, the door closing behind them.

Watari gasped as he was pushed against the wall. "You know, seeing those two together like that, playing hooky, makes me feel very… badass." Watari would have laughed at the secretary saying something like that, if his lover had not chosen that moment to grind his hips firmly against the scientist. Watari gasped, head falling back, allowing Tatsumi to attack his neck. "What do you say Watari?" Tatsumi whispered silkily. "Shall we skip work today?"

Watari whimpered when Tatsumi gripped him through his slacks. He seemed intent on rendering Watari speechless. He continued to stroke his blonde lover, until he felt the tautness in his body, indicating that he was close, and suddenly let go, stepping far away. "Tatsumi!" Watari yelled "You – arghh!" he yelled, grabbing the secretary and teleporting them back to his place, where he proceeded to show the shadow master the consequences of thoroughly arousing the scientist.

Meanwhile, back at the Kurosaki residence…

Hisoka and Tsuzuki stared at one another. "Did that just happen?" asked Tsuzuki. Hisoka gave a dazed nod. He had never been more embarrassed in his life. Tsuzuki chuckled when his lover turned as red as a tomato. He pulled him in, pressing a kiss to the mop of blonde hair. "It's nothing to be ashamed of 'Soka. If you ask me, I think they suspected that something was going to happen between us."

"Why would they think that?" Hisoka wrinkled up his nose in confusion, making Tsuzuki think that he looked like an adorable kitten.

"Well, I don't imagine my love for you was very secret." He gave into his temptation and kissed his forehead, smoothing his soft bangs off his face. "I think it took until I told you to figure it out because of your lack of experience with these emotions. You couldn't recognize it for what it was."

'_When did Tsuzuki get so smart?'_ Hisoka wondered, as he looked up into the older man's face. Tsuzuki suddenly shot him a bright grin. "So, we got a day off from the Shadow Master! What shall we do with it?"

A wicked smile, an expression he never thought that he would see, bloomed on Hisoka's face, seconds before he yanked him down.

The next morning…

Chief Konoe looked around the Shinigami in his division. They had all stumbled in, bleary-eyed, but looking very happy with themselves. He knew that they wouldn't be able to concentrate, and with half of them having skipped yesterday's meeting, followed by all of them skipping work for the rest of the day…. 'What happened to good work ethic in the afterlife?' He turned away, rubbing his temples. 'It's going to be one of those days….'

The End!

**A/N:** Please review! I'm so sad I finished – I had so much fun writing this story! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do!


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